Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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