i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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