Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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