Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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