Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
