just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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