so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
