Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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