hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
