The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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