The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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