The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
