Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
