Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
