God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
