i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
