So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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