So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
