and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
