god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
