the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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