the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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