omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Randomize
