I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
