I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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