I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
