Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
