Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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