I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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