i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
