My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
