Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
