I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
