I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
