Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
