I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
