She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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