He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
