Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
