I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
