I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
