You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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