maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
