You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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