I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
