No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
