I'm laying in your front yard are you home
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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