I am spending my child support on dildos
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
