Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
