I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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