If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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